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Chicken or egg?
Most adults seeking advice on "behaviour modification" are usually
looking for ways to change the inappropriate behaviour of the children for whom
they are responsible.
There is a wealth of opinion and advice on what to do to change the child's
behaviour which tacitly places the fault within the child.
I have spent my professional life (30 years plus) working with children,
families and educationalists who were having difficulties with children's
behaviour. In a small number of cases, I was totally baffled as to why
the child behaved the way s/he did. Some children seem born
"naughty", but I think they are very rare.
In the great majority of cases I have met, the child was merely responding to
its environment and the adults within.
There are obvious cases where abusive adults almost consciously wreak havoc on
children which do not need further description here.
However there are often much more subtle forces at work. So subtle, that
some well meaning adults who are in charge of children, are unaware of the extent
to which they contribute to the problem.
Below are some examples which I believe demonstrate the point.
"Not my bag"
I once worked with a "disruptive" child whose father told me to speak
to the boy's mother as his son's management was not "his bag".
He presumed that leaving the mother a clear field, would keep the
lines of command simple (or at least exonerate him from any responsibility).
In reality, it gave the child mixed messages about who was in charge of
what and tempted the child to explore boundaries further through misbehaviour.
Had the parents come to consensus about standards and then enforced
consistency, the boy would have felt more secure and less likely to disrupt.
"Couldn't afford the time"
A teenage girl asked me to negotiate designated
one to one time with her mother as a reward for handing in her homework on
time. (The mother had a new partner.) This arrangement worked well for a while
and then the homework dried up. The girl later told me that her mother
had offered her money instead of the meetings as she "couldn't afford the
time".
The mother presumed that giving her daughter money would work equally well
as a reward. It did not. The consequence was that the girl stopped
handing in the work forcing the mother into one to one attention, albeit of the
nagging variety. Had the mother fairly considered her daughter's
emotional needs, a more even balance could have been struck which would have
maintained appropriate behaviour on both parties.
"How many times have I got to tell you.....?"
A secondary school involved me in its in-service day of devising strategies for
encouraging appropriate behaviour from the girls. Despite my
protestations, the day focussed on rewards and sanctions for the girls related
to their behaviour.
The following week I was in the Special Needs Office and all hell was breaking
loose in the corridor outside. Being an "Educational
Psychologist", I stayed well out of the action and just observed :-)
Ten minutes late for the lesson, a teacher arrived with a mug of tea in his
hand and started barking at the girls about their poor behaviour in the
corridor whilst waiting for him.
The teacher seemed unaware that the poor behaviour of the students was down
to him. Being late for his lesson, unprepared and with a drink in his
hand showed the girls that they were low down on his list of priorities.
Consequently they responded in kind and showed, through their
behaviour, what they thought of him.
Had he been waiting at the door of his class to meet and greet the girls,
having previously written up the work for the lesson on the board, then
all parties would have had a much better start due initially, to mutual
respect.
"There's a man coming!"
At a supermarket checkout recently, I
watched a mother and toddler approach an array of sweets on a handily placed
display.
Mother: "Don't pick up any sweets"
Child: Picks up sweets.
Mother: "I have told you. Don't pick up sweets!"
Child: No response
Mother: "If you don't put the sweets back I will smack
you!"
Child: No response
Mother: "Look, there's a man coming and if you don't put
the sweets back, he will smack you".
Child: No response
Mother: "The man is getting closer and if you haven't
put the sweets back, he will hit me!"
Child: Child eats sweets.
The mother starts the interaction by telling the child what she does not
want him to do. When he begins the actions she has forbidden, she
threatens him with violence. When he refuses to co-operate she does not
carry out her threat and gives away any authority she may have had, to a
mythical man. When this next threat proves useless, she appeals to the
child's better nature by turning the potential violence onto herself. The child
responds to this third empty threat by eating the sweets.
Had the mother negotiated the transaction before by promising rewards for
appropriate behaviour then the situation could have been avoided. e.g.
"When you have helped me with the shopping by sitting quietly at the
checkout, we will call at the library on the way home so you can choose a
book". The essence is to describe what you want to see (not what you
don't want) and promise rewards for appropriate behaviour (not threaten
violence for naughtiness).
"Time out"
Angela, a reception class girl, was sitting on the carpet drinking her
milk from a packet through a straw. Nobody made any comment. She
then took the straw out of her mouth and by squeezing the packet was able to
direct a jet of milk into her mouth. The Classroom Assistant then
said "If you keep on messing about with the milk I will take it off
you". Angela turned the straw through 90 degrees and squirted the
milk over another child. What was left of the milk was duly removed from
Angela.
The children moved to the work area. After class discussion, each child
was required to come to the front of the class to draw on the board.
Child number one duly came out, performed and was praised. Angela
then had her turn in the same process. While the next few children were
at the front, Angela seemed to be looking at the length of the waiting queue.
She got up, crossed the room and slapped a girl's face. Straight
away the teacher instructed the Classroom Assistant to take Angela for
"Time Out". The Classroom Assistant asked Angela which book she
would like to have read to her during "Time Out". Thomas the
Tank was agreed upon and the pair left the classroom.
Once again descriptions of inappropriate behaviour are being fed to the
child. Eventually very inappropriate behaviour results in one to one
attention from an adult with Angela's choice of book. "Time
Out" is most effective when it is a short period of an apparent withdrawal
of adult attention.
Conclusions
Most children's behaviours are designed for the "maximum mileage".
They do what they do, because from their perspective it is the most
efficient. It may be a hard pill to swallow but young humans need
attention and if they can't get it one way they will certainly get it the
other.
There are many books, publications and web sites full of tips about how to make
things "better". I think that this is cart before horse -
shutting stable doors too late etc.
The above examples are used to show how the adults may actually be responsible
for the behaviour they wish to extinguish.
Once adults have consciously accepted that they are responsible for
arranging a set of circumstances that are likely to bring about positive
changes in children, then success is more likely.
Recommendations
Adults should:
demonstrate the behaviour they want to see,
agree consensus and show consistency,
catch the children being good and explicitly comment on their appropriate
behaviour when it occurs,
tell the children what they want to see and promise and provide rewards for
delivery.
Children should:
be hugged at every appropriate opportunity!
Behaviour
modification starts with adults.
Only when the adults have appropriately modified their own behaviour, are the
children likely to follow suit.
These are my personal opinions which
reflect my experience of 35 years in education
including the last 21 years of practising as an educational psychologist.
Ged Balmer
Chartered Educational Psychologist
Cert. Ed., BSc.(Hons), MSc.,
C. Psychol., AFBPsS.
British Psychological Society No: 34097
© 2007 All rights reserved
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